Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just want to make out with him forever
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
