I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
