stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
