Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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