the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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