I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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