Pants 0. Shit 1.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
