Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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