i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
