I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I want to make a zoo with you.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
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