so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
