I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
