I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
