you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
