Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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