There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
