at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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