i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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