ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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