Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
it hurts more in the daytime
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
