Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize