My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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