I think i peed on brittanys purse
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
