I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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