All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize