I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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