Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
smell my finger.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I think we might need a safe word for this...
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
