Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
