She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
What a dumb baby whore.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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