he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
