My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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