What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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