We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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