please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
