I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
