You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Randomize
