I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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