I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize