I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I want to be your penis for a week.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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