he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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