Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I supernannyed him into submission
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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