How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize