The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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