in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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