Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
