Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
