So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
