Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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