morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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