I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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