Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
