I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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