why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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