Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I am one with the molecules
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
