So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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