party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
