i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Randomize
